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Someday, I’ll get used to this

April 18, 2017

Yes, someday, I’ll get used to this.. leaving home early, working under stress the whole day, coming home late, and feeling guilty all the time for leaving my child at home. And I really mean coming home late, so late that I don’t anymore have dinner, because I either get a stomachache, or am unwilling to eat so close to sleeping time.

Throughout the day, I watch my phone beeping with the notifications from the cctv installed at home. When it does on certain hours, I check and find my daughter going around the house.. either after finishing shower, going to have her meal, or playing on her mat. I feel very sad, knowing that I’ll continue to miss her laughs, playing with her, the feeling of her holding my hands, her smiling back at me, and her growth.

Work is so much stress. Frequently, I cry in my car on the way to work, or back home, feeling disappointed with my husband, for letting me go through this experience. I never planned to leave my child at home. In fact, long before I got married, I planned to accompany my children in growing up so that they don’t feel neglected, like I did when I was young with two working parents. I wanted my children to know that they have parents, who care for them, and are by their side whenever they need us. Now I have failed to provide that to my daughter. I am under much stress from work and the travel, and I become so short tempered in dealing with difficult situations. I haven’t been happy ever since I started working.

I know I can’t blame anyone for what I’m going through. So I just keep this feeling to myself.. feeling hopeless and restless. If I don’t work, I feel guilty; when I work, I feel guilty. Whatever I do is never the right thing. Really, I’ve heard enough of that all my life.

Some people say, money can’t buy everything. I’m a true believer in that, because I never lack money in my life, but am not happy; in fact, the love of money has given me much disappointments. But this world is a broken and sinful world. It’s simply not right if we don’t pursue money, and along with that, if we work, it’s for the money. What a broken and sad world it is we live in.

I try to tell myself, that life is short; forget about your pain, because life will soon pass away. Whatever pain we go through in the world is just temporary. We should long for our eternal life, when pain and sadness will go away. O Lord, how I long to leave this world of pain, and return to your house, being with you forever and ever.

 

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