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Someday, I’ll get used to this

April 18, 2017

Yes, someday, I’ll get used to this.. leaving home early, working under stress the whole day, coming home late, and feeling guilty all the time for leaving my child at home. And I really mean coming home late, so late that I don’t anymore have dinner, because I either get a stomachache, or am unwilling to eat so close to sleeping time.

Throughout the day, I watch my phone beeping with the notifications from the cctv installed at home. When it does on certain hours, I check and find my daughter going around the house.. either after finishing shower, going to have her meal, or playing on her mat. I feel very sad, knowing that I’ll continue to miss her laughs, playing with her, the feeling of her holding my hands, her smiling back at me, and her growth.

Work is so much stress. Frequently, I cry in my car on the way to work, or back home, feeling disappointed with my husband, for letting me go through this experience. I never planned to leave my child at home. In fact, long before I got married, I planned to accompany my children in growing up so that they don’t feel neglected, like I did when I was young with two working parents. I wanted my children to know that they have parents, who care for them, and are by their side whenever they need us. Now I have failed to provide that to my daughter. I am under much stress from work and the travel, and I become so short tempered in dealing with difficult situations. I haven’t been happy ever since I started working.

I know I can’t blame anyone for what I’m going through. So I just keep this feeling to myself.. feeling hopeless and restless. If I don’t work, I feel guilty; when I work, I feel guilty. Whatever I do is never the right thing. Really, I’ve heard enough of that all my life.

Some people say, money can’t buy everything. I’m a true believer in that, because I never lack money in my life, but am not happy; in fact, the love of money has given me much disappointments. But this world is a broken and sinful world. It’s simply not right if we don’t pursue money, and along with that, if we work, it’s for the money. What a broken and sad world it is we live in.

I try to tell myself, that life is short; forget about your pain, because life will soon pass away. Whatever pain we go through in the world is just temporary. We should long for our eternal life, when pain and sadness will go away. O Lord, how I long to leave this world of pain, and return to your house, being with you forever and ever.

 

To move or not to move

December 12, 2016

Recently, my husband and I have been battling over a decision of our life–to move or not to move to Jakarta. This is not the kind of easy decision I’d make when I was single and free and thinking about myself. In the past, I’d just go if it was what I wanted. Now with a family, there are more than just the 3 of us (my husband, Elysia, and me). There are extended families, each of whose members make a say to what we should or should not do. Aargh, the married life!

When I returned home for good from the USA, my father pleaded with me to stay in Surabaya. After all, I was–and still am–his only child who is in Indonesia. My only sister lives in the USA. When I was about to get married, my husband-to-be made a promise that we’d stay in Surabaya. So things were good, until right after the wedding.

Then my husband got the offer to work in Jakarta. Everything changed. Everything. I wonder if that was the beginning of what’s called the difference between courtship and married life. During courtship, we say the good things, what the other person like, but after married, we forget all that we ever said. Maybe this is just the flow of life. It doesn’t always go the way we want it, and we should just ride the ride.

Long story short, a year and a half from our marriage, my husband got another offer to work in Jakarta. This time it is a permanent move. He’d say that what’s holding him is his self-confidence. He doubts he can fulfill the responsibilities the new job asks of him, and gain the success the company looks for from him. But for me, what’s holding him is me and my family. I mind moving to Jakarta, mostly because of the work and travel time that’ll consume our time each day and being far from my parents. My parents prefer us not to move to Jakarta–though they wouldn’t say so–because we are their only children around, their only hope when they are sick, in need of assistance, and their company (especially during the weekend). Now, we also have their first and only grandchild. It is totally not unreasonable for them to hold on to us.

On the other hand, I can’t care less about what my father wants. Throughout my life, he always asks me to do what he wants, disregarding what I want. Maybe he is selfish, maybe it is me who is selfish. Each one of us is quite selfish in some ways, that is human nature. But really, all I want is to be myself, to find my ways, and be proud of who I am. Right now, I am not, and I keep looking for that place where I belong. Would moving to Jakarta help me in doing that?